Friday, January 11, 2013

I do not like myself

i do not like who i am.
i currently feel like a big. dark. cloud is hanging over me. i'm fat, and i'm lonely, and i'm very very sad.
tonights feelings of awfulness were mainly brought on my a visit to my parents. in the three long hours i was there, i was reminded of how in the three years since I've graduated, I've done nothing, i'm a big pile of wasted potential, and will inevitably gang raped to death  (my parents have a weird, unusual obsession with both me and my sisters getting raped. I've grown up with a terror of being left alone or around any man or boy as a result. this is just the beginning of a very long list of parent inflicted problems on my part.) so there's that.
I've been to bummed the last two weeks to go and even try to exercise or run. that has to change but finding the motivation is so. freaking. hard.
i'm making a countdown for the side of my blog. every 5 pounds i lose i'll have a little reward for myself. worked last time i lost weight, which was 5 years ago, and i lst around 30 pounds. i want to lose 50, and i'll be danged if i'm not gonna do it.
also, book list. it's coming i swear. i swear.
Fridays payday so i'm going to walmart to pick up some furniture in a box later. i really do love furniture from a box.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

it's a new year, and new resolutions......

i hate new year's resolutions. i hate making lists in general, and i really hate anything that makes me feel bad about myself. and a list of things i said id do and never did really makes me feel bad about myself. but that all changes now. I'm making a list, Ive checked it twice, and gosh darnit  there's some things I'm damn well doing this year. the list, as follows:

- lose 50 pounds (don't laugh, needs to be done.)
- be able to run 6 miles straight!
- get my industrial bar
- visit another (not connected) country
- pursue my writing and get on the road to making a career for myself
- go on a date. I've never been on a date. and i think that would be cool. maybe.
- read the books on my books to read list. (coming tomorrow)
-watch the movies/shows on my watch list. (coming later)
- get, and learn to use, a pogo stick.
- first kiss. maybe? nah. I'll make that a decade's resolution.
- go to new york.
- meet a legit celebrity.
- go on an adventure.
- buy a pair of doc martens
- learn to play the guitar I've owned for 3 years.
- start going to the places on my "places to visit before i die" list (coming later)
I'm sure I'll come up with some more as time goes on but this is the first list and what I'll be working on.
also my life is pretty awesome occasionally and blows most of the time so I'll probably write about that.
i like fashion bloggers so i might blog about my clothes.
i just really need a hobby so i figure, "hey, why not blogging?"
aaaaannnnnnddddddd that's all I've got for now.....